Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Who was I kidding?

I promised myself when I started this blog I would be honest and real, so here I go (bear with me). The baby will be here in 13 days (max). I've spent so much time preparing in every way for the birth; at least all the ways I've known how. Until a few days ago I would have said that I was prepared, a "cool cucumber," ready to meet my little girl! Who was I kidding!

I've held off writing this post hoping these frantic feelings would pass and I would have something positive to say, but that doesn't seem to be happening. To be completely honest, I am "freaking out." Deep down I know these feelings will pass, hopefully before the birth. I thought I was ready. Right now I would do anything to freeze time. I would be willing to stay pregnant forever to keep my little girl safe, to keep her heart from straining, and keep her from going through any struggles and pain. I'm really having a hard time with the unknown. So many things could go right.....or very wrong. Here is a list of some of my many worries. Hopefully writing them out will prove to be therapeutic...
  • The her heart ready to beat on its own, will she require a lengthy NICU stay? Am I prepared for her to be in the NICU? After delivery the boys never left my side. How do you deal with your baby being sick in another part of the hospital while you are in recovery from a C-section. And then there's the C-section, I haven't even thought about that surgery.
  • Feeding...will I be able to nurse her. Will she be strong enough? I've done much reading on breastfeeding a Ds baby with a heart defect. I hope my knowledge will help. I just pray we can avoid all feeding tubes.
  • The little boys! They are soooo excited about their sister's arrival. I hope it can be as normal as possible. We will be delivering at a nearby hospital 45 minutes from home. The boys will visit often but it will be a difficult time for them. I will stay with Kaitlyn until she can come home, hopefully it will be soon after delivery.
  • And then there's the normal lists, many to-do lists. My energy has plummeted and there is still so much to do. (sigh)

Recently I read a post by Adrienne from Our Unexpected Journey. Her blog has been, as well as many others, such a help to me. She too talks of a "What If" list days before Bennett arrived. It was nice to know I'm not alone. She recommended a book called "Calm my Anxious Heart," by Linda Dillow. I plan on getting the book soon. I am struggling with turning all the unknowns over to God. Hopefully the book will help!

Thank you to everyone for all of your love and support. I know my positive outlook will return soon. God has taken good care of me over the recent months and I'm humbled to know that He will continue to do so.

Proverbs 3: 5-6

Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight.


  1. I think you are doing amazingly well. I remember being very anxious before Joel was born too. I remember being so scared of meeting Joel - and finding out if he would have any health complications. Fortunately he was born very healthy and his birth was one of the best moments of my life. I will never forget seeing his precious face for the first time!

    I will be praying for you as you approach Kaitlyn's birthday. I will pray especially for peace and for health and strength for both you and Kaitlyn.

  2. Oh, I just want to reach out and give you hugs. It's ok to be freaked out. Just remember, she's a baby first. And you'll love her at first sight just like your boys. We'll keep you in our prayers.
    P.S. Here's a blog you may like (and relate to):
    Emmie's mom is very open with her feelings - even on her sad days, she is so grateful for her daughter just the way she is.

  3. (Sorry... had a few too many typos in my first comment)

    Big hugs to you and your whole family (especially those cute boys of yours!)... We never know what challenges we'll face - I know that doesn't help much, but in all honesty NOTHING can dampen the love you have for Kaitlyn. And she is such a lucky girl to have so many people ready to support and help her. Not everyone has such an amazing gift on their birth day :)

  4. Good luck these next few weeks. I can imagine it would be very hard to know beforehand without that sweet little baby in your arms. You'll know once she is here that everything is going to be fine! I didn't know before Morgan was born and it was only a few hours of shock for me and then I had an overwhelming feeling of peace when I was with her. She let me know that we were going to do great together! All the fears, worries and what if's are so normal! Big hugs!

  5. Thanks for sharing your feelings. I know it must be hard to be so excited, yet so scared at the same time.
    I think you have the right approach, though...Cast your cares on the LORD and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous fall. Psalm 55:22
    I will definitely be praying for you and your little girl!

  6. I wish I could do or say something astounding to ease your mind, but I don't have any idea as to what that would be. All I can tell you is that I am praying, along with lots of other people that love and care for you all, for God to grant peace to you and health for both you and little Kaitlyn. As you know, there is NOTHING else you can do regarding these worries. Take comfort in that and try to concentrate on all of the joys of a new baby! Go through all of the super-cute-tiny-little-pink clothes, again ;), and stack those teency-tiny diapers, take a deep breath and remember that new baby smell you will be experiencing again soon! She looked so happy and sweet in the sonogram the other day. I just can't wait to meet her in person and squeeze and snuggle (and smell) her!

  7. Jenee, as others have said this is normal and it's so hard to block those "what ifs" from entering your head but please look at my comments under that post if you haven't already. Jessica hit it right on with her comment- you must read it. Another thing I have to tell myself is "Let Go and Let God". Cast all your fears on Him because He cares so much for you. I will be praying for you and your sweet girl and I can't wait to hear about her arrival!

  8. It sounds to me like you are doing a fabulous job! I didn't know until my Justin was 6 months old that he had Down syndrome. I don't know what it's like to be anticipating half of the pregnancy what the future will hold. It is okay to have fears... I still have them. I still feel very lost sometimes, but oh boy do I ever feel blessed and very comforted most of the time! Hang in there and smile! All will be well!

  9. keeping you in my prayers! If I had know before Noah was born I would have been so nervous too. I love how you know ahead of time that you want it to be a happy time and it will. I regret how sad I felt those first hours after being told, because really there was nothing to be sad about and I wish I had known that then. God Bless!

  10. hello, I hope you don't mind me reading your blog i found it through a line of people, I am glad I did! Reading your last post brought tears to my eyes, It was like reliving my life all over again! My son has downs syndrome! I found out when I was about 20 weeks pregnant, I found I had twins, that one had passed away, that they were identical, and that they were down syndrome in all of about two weeks, which followed with trips to the hospital every other day for none stress tests, ultra sounds, another amnio and so on, I could go on forever about what I went through but that is not why I am commenting, I just wanted you to know that these special babies are so unique, and incredible! Welcome to the club! it is normal to feel the way you do, But you also have had time to deal with the emotions, (all that have these special babies go through them just at different times) so you can just enjoy your precious baby you have been blessed with! She is your baby And she has come to you for a reason, My entire family and have looked at it as a privelage! Sorry for my long winded comment, Remember he doesn't send you anything you can't handle, May the lord give you the strength and Bless your family!!!
    P.S my son also VSD if you have any questions feel free to find my @
    Good Luck

  11. We are just now finding this out. Info we get from Judy tends to be a bit fuzzy at times. Just explaining why you are just now hearing from us. Calm My Anxious Heart is the Bible study I did the year I was pregnant with Emory. We had a miscarriage right before we got pregnant with her and I was a nervous wreck during her pregnancy. I would whole-heartedly recommend it. Keep memorizing Scripture, it will be what the Lord uses to sustain you. We will be praying for you in your adjustment, not only to life with 3 kids but also as a mother to such a special child. What a privilege!

  12. I must have missed this post. Everything you said sounds so familiar. Although we didn't know anything about Jax before he was born, not even his heart defect, all I can say is rest. Jax was only in the NICU for eight days, but it took me forever to recover from his birth. I know it was because I was walking up to the NICU everyday instead of resting. So rest. I was worried to about breastfeeding him. I had a great pediatrician who said there's no reason he can't breastfeed. So although he had a feeding tube, we worked with a lactation nurse, and he became quite good at the breastfeeding. You will be surprised at how strong our munchkins are. And it definitely is a privledge to be their mommies.

  13. Jenee,
    Thanks for sharing what you're going through. I think that everything you're feeling is very normal--there are so many What Ifs. And when you think about it, nearly all of your What Ifs are applicable to any pregnancy. But this time, the What Ifs seem to be more likely. I'm sure when you were pregnant with your second son you were worried about how your firstborn would react. Your boys' experience with Kaitlyn will be completely "normal" to them no matter what happens because they don't have any expectations. If she has to stay in the NICU, they won't be that upset--my kids took the news very well.

    Yes, Kaitlyn will be born fiesty and ready to do her job. God has prepared her for this, and he gave her an extra dose of stubbornness to help her get through! You will admire this strength in her, even though later it will drive you nuts. She has fought this long already, and she isn't going to quit. She is determined--look what she has survived and accomplished already: it's estimated that 80% of all fetuses with Ds miscarry--she's strong enough to survive; most parents would have turned away once receiving a prenatal diagnosis and terminated; she has brought new friends and a whole new look on life to your family; how many people around the world are praying for her? Now, how many not yet born babies have such a resume? Kaitlyn isn't going to stop fighting. She is prepared to do what she has to do, and she's well prepared for it.

    I'm glad that you've been reading about breastfeeding! When Hannah was born she was very ill with pulmonary hypertension (unrelated to Ds) and was on a ventilator for quite a while. I pumped, and they fed her through an NG tube (nasal-gastric). When she was healthy enough, she extubated herself (strong girl--just like Kaitlyn is!), and within 30 minutes she was nursing quite well! Hannah also had a heart defect, but that didn't affect her nursing or gaining weight.

    All those to-do lists--throw them away! If they're stressing you, just decide that those things really don't matter in the big picture. Pare down the lists or farm them out to friends who really, honestly, want to help (yes they do--they don't know what to do to help you so give them the opportunity to be a blessing).

    Here is Kaitlyn's verse:

    Psalm 139:13,14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.

    We are praying here in Virginia.

  14. My baby boy was due August 6th. He didn't want to wait that long to meet his family so he came 11 weeks early (May 27). Just know that you will love this baby with all your heart. Beau has only been around for 9 short weeks and in the NICU ever since but I haven't loved someone so much. He is amazing!! Congrats!

  15. I think it is perfectly normal what you are going through. I remember wishing my baby would stay inside where it was safe for her heart. Instead she took me by surprise 15 days early! God has a good plan for Kaitlyn, just keep remembering that.

  16. I can tell from all the posts and comments that you have such a great Ds support system thru this blog. Brian just asked today..."Isn't Blair & Jenee's baby coming soon?". We are both excited to meet her and Trust you will be home soon w/that gorgeous little baby girl in pink!! :) You have all our prayers and well-wishes. xoxox: Lindy's

  17. Something to think about. I know your little sweetheart has been born already, but if you can, whenever a decision needs to be made, take a step back, talk with your husband, pray, wait before giving an answer. Be your child's advocate. Keep your family in mind. Sometimes I found the doctors acting as if Little J belonged to them and they were totally in charge of him. Not so, I am his mother and am the authority. Just remember to always do what's best for your family. As far as nursing goes. I have a year of experience so if you'd like to email me please do. I'd love to help you out.