I've held off writing this post hoping these frantic feelings would pass and I would have something positive to say, but that doesn't seem to be happening. To be completely honest, I am "freaking out." Deep down I know these feelings will pass, hopefully before the birth. I thought I was ready. Right now I would do anything to freeze time. I would be willing to stay pregnant forever to keep my little girl safe, to keep her heart from straining, and keep her from going through any struggles and pain. I'm really having a hard time with the unknown. So many things could go right.....or very wrong. Here is a list of some of my many worries. Hopefully writing them out will prove to be therapeutic...
- The delivery...is her heart ready to beat on its own, will she require a lengthy NICU stay? Am I prepared for her to be in the NICU? After delivery the boys never left my side. How do you deal with your baby being sick in another part of the hospital while you are in recovery from a C-section. And then there's the C-section, I haven't even thought about that surgery.
- Feeding...will I be able to nurse her. Will she be strong enough? I've done much reading on breastfeeding a Ds baby with a heart defect. I hope my knowledge will help. I just pray we can avoid all feeding tubes.
- The Boys...my little boys! They are soooo excited about their sister's arrival. I hope it can be as normal as possible. We will be delivering at a nearby hospital 45 minutes from home. The boys will visit often but it will be a difficult time for them. I will stay with Kaitlyn until she can come home, hopefully it will be soon after delivery.
- And then there's the normal stuff...to-do lists, many to-do lists. My energy has plummeted and there is still so much to do. (sigh)
Recently I read a post by Adrienne from Our Unexpected Journey. Her blog has been, as well as many others, such a help to me. She too talks of a "What If" list days before Bennett arrived. It was nice to know I'm not alone. She recommended a book called "Calm my Anxious Heart," by Linda Dillow. I plan on getting the book soon. I am struggling with turning all the unknowns over to God. Hopefully the book will help!
Thank you to everyone for all of your love and support. I know my positive outlook will return soon. God has taken good care of me over the recent months and I'm humbled to know that He will continue to do so.
Proverbs 3: 5-6
Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight.